Well, no. Not really. That doesn’t actually happen to be my personal kink. But because it illustrates a goddamn important point, bear with me for a few minutes while we pretend that this is, in fact, my kink. No disrespect intended to the folks who do consider a delicately rose-hued, frothy confection of crinoline and taffeta to be the pinnacle of pervy fashion. I am sure that each and every one of them would look much better in it than I would.
So I’m going to tell you now that if you want to play with me, you must wear a pink tutu. That’s a hard limit for me, and I will not consent to participate in pink tutu-less sex or play. At this point you have two choices. You can put on the tutu and we can proceed to negotiate our scene, or you can not put on the tutu and we don’t negotiate for play. It’s really pretty simple.
These are your choices. They are entirely yours, and I will respect whichever one you choose. But you know what choice you DON’T get? You don’t get the choice of not meeting my conditions of consent and playing with me anyway. Because that is a consent violation, and consent violations are not okay.
You also don’t get to be angry because someone sets their consent conditions to something you can’t or won’t meet. Like, you’re the wrong gender, for instance. Other people’s consent conditions are not about you, they are about them. Which is exactly how they should be. The message you are sending loud and clear is that you believe that your desire to get your hands on someone trumps their preferences and their right to say no to you.
What do you think about a person who says they feel entitled to disregard someone else’s consent conditions while getting to play with them anyway, because they think those conditions are silly? When they say that their desire to play with someone is more important that that person’s right to decide who gets to touch them? Do you feel safe around that person?
I don’t, at least not without a concealed carry piece in easy reach. That is one hell of a red flag. If you see anyone displaying the attitude that their entitlement to gratify their desires is more important than someone else’s right to decide on the conditions of their consent, no matter what those conditions are, I would strongly suggest getting the hell away from them.
It doesn’t matter if the consent condition is wearing a pink tutu or wearing a condom. It doesn’t matter if the consent condition is asking his Master for permission or inviting her Mistress to watch. The only thing that matters is that this is their condition for giving consent to have sex or play with you, and you don’t get to violate another person’s consent on that subject. Not okay, not ever.
Of course you have the absolute right to set your own boundaries of consent and to have those respected, too. They are not entitled to force you to meet their conditions any more than you are entitled to make them meet yours.
It is perfectly all right if you are not play-compatible with everyone. In fact, it’s normal and expected. Not everyone is going to be into you, or into your kink, and some people have consent conditions that you either can’t meet or that you don’t feel comfortable meeting. And that’s okay! Sane adults get this, and they move on to find partners who do have compatible consent conditions.
If that actually makes you angry, if you honestly feel that everyone else exists for your gratification rather than being an independent human person with their own decision making agency, desires, preferences and the right to set the conditions for their consent, there is something seriously wrong with you. Get help.
If you know someone like this, you should call them on it as loudly as you can and get as far away from them as you can. Make it clear that everyone’s conditions of consent are to be respected, period, no exceptions, no entitlements, no excuses. Chances are good that the person expressing this attitude is a consent violator, and that they believe they are operating with impunity in a kink community that will not punish or ostracize them because drama is bad.
Don’t let them keep operating in our community. Consent is the only thing that separates WIITWD from criminal assault, and if someone tells you that they do not respect another person’s right to have conditions on their consent, that is some pretty fucking serious shit right there. Take it as seriously as it deserves, and stop making excuses for any and all types of consent violation.
Because there aren’t any.
Cross-posted with permission Original Post courtesy of Najakcharmer
