How to Message a person on Fetlife


A Suggestion

Wow, you have found this place called fetlife… and this thing called kink/bdsm. How fucking cool is that. Here are women, real women who post pics of themselves, some are naked, some are having sex and some are tied up or being beaten. The have fetish list a mile long that list things like anal/deep throat/submission, they talk about doing those things you’ve read about in penthouse letters your whole life but have never actually met a real live breathing woman who would do them.

Okay, now roll your tongue back up, close your mouth and wipe the drool off of your face. Think you are ready to actually meet one of the lovely ladies? Sure you are you stud, you are the Domliest of all Doms but guess what…. They don’t know that.

Ways to meet those on fetlife

100% preferred method. Go to a munch, go to a bdsm club. If you are newbie or inexperienced that is okay, don’t pretend to be something you are not. Talk to people, be respectful, be nice, be sincere. But since this is meant for those that send email if you are not going to a munch read on my friend, read on.

Much less preferred method Send a message (but wait, read the rest first) So after a week or three you’ve sent messages to 30, 40 or maybe 100 women and have gotten zero responses, or at least zero positive responses. So what to do?

First and foremost in any human sexual situation involving a man and a woman (and even more so involving a man and more than one woman) that is not rape or coercion the female gets to decide. You might think she is the most unattractive person that has ever lived but guess what, she gets to decide. To be crude but to put it in terms you can understand let’s just call it the power of the pussy… it gets to decide who, when and where. She has the pussy and you don’t, deal with it.

Did you watch finding Nemo? If not rent it, and fast forward to the scene where there are about 300 seagulls and they all see one tiny little fish. All you hear is a chorus of Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine coming from all 300 birds. Guess what, you, yes you, the master of all around him is just one of those 300 sea gulls saying mine, mine, mine. And when you send that email telling a woman that you are the God of Doms and that she does not know submission until she knows you. She quickly sees you are one of the 300 other dudebros saying that today and goes back under water.

So here is what women on fetlife, bdsm sites and just dating sites in general deal with. They get a shit load of messages. Imagine enough junk mail in your mail box that you need a wheel barrel to carry it every day. Mail that you did not ask for, trying to sell you shit you don’t need and don’t want. Well that is what many of them get every day.

Here is another hint. Just like you, almost every other guy thinks this is a numbers game. They, like you, have typed up this great message. I mean really it is just talking about you, about your journey and what you are looking for. Then you message it (cut and paste AKA copy pasta) to every single profile that you think just might be something you would like to sleep with as well as ones that you don’t even know if you would like to sleep with.

That will work right. Out of the 100 women you sent that to at least you can expect what, 10 or 15 will be so overcome by your prose, they will find you so witty, insightful, intelligent and disarming enough to ignore the 50 other almost exact messages and stop what they are doing to email you back, quickly followed by listening to all your fantasies, giving you their phone number and address, stripping off their clothes, putting a blindfold on themselves and assume first position (yeah you don’t know that that is yet, that is okay) and waiting eagerly for you to walk in and put your dick in their mouth.

And if this were the alternate dimension of penthouse letters that might just have a small chance of working.

So how bout this.

1.) A profile. Fill yours out, and not just the kinky shit. Put the things you like, do you like science fiction, or maybe you are a history buff. Maybe you love Alfred Hitchcock movies well whatever it is put it on your profile.

2.) Profile pic. I know that you think your dick is amazing. I mean it is a dick and it is yours, how could anyone not want to see it. I don’t want to crush your dreams and I am sure you have a beautiful cock, your cock is probably so gorgeous it would turn me gay (please note the sarcasm in this line if no where else in this rant). However, don’t put it on your profile, put your face there. If you are really so worried about privacy then put a silhouette or a pic of you neck down but for god sakes do not under any circumstance send a pic of your cock to anyone until they ask. And here is a secret, normally (maybe not always) when a woman is ready to see your cock it will be in person.

3.) Don’t use the words “True Dom”, “Alpha Male”, “trained by long dead European Master who was god of all Doms” etc… Once you actually earn a pedigree it will be self evident. You don’t need to announce it. And this is just my personal opinion, you CAN NOT be a Master unless you actually have a true living breathing slave. You can’t be a Master of nothing. So until you have a slave just call yourself a Dom.

Okay so now you have a profile that someone can read and hopefully get a sense that you are a somewhat mature, reasonably sane human male. Great, what is next? Remember back at the top when I said the female ALWAYS gets to choose?

So lets talk about a way to possibly contact a woman on here… ready.

READ THEIR PROFILE. I don’t mean read their list of fetishes and look at their pics, then with the blood engorged cock start typing. I mean read their profile.

1.) Start at the top, sounds crazy right. Are they single or are they taken, maybe they are poly. Are they the yin for your yang? If you are a sub are they a Domme, if you are a Dom are they a sub etc. Are they looking. Guess what if they say they are looking for friends then they are looking for friends. If they are looking for females only and you are a guy guess what? That is not you. If they say no one over 40 and you are 42 guess what? That is not you.
1a.) okay I know you are thinking, but, but, but I am a nice guy. If they will only talk to me they will be won over, they will disregard that they were only looking for friends, or females, or a age range or whatever. Guess what? Nope. Let me be more clear with that, it isn’t going to happen. Do you know why? Because the FEMALE gets to choose. She has already chosen that she does not want someone as old as her dad, or as young as her son, or as fat as a walrus or as male as you. So don’t even write. Don’t even try.

2.) Read their description of themselves and what they want. I mean read it word for word. If you are slow on the uptake read it twice or thrice. If you don’t match to at least 50% of what is written there assuming no deal breakers, like age, geographic location etc then don’t even try. Move along, nothing to see here

3.) Look at the list of groups they belong to, are you in any of them. Do any of them you are not belong to appeal to you? What have they said in those groups?

4.) Read their history to see what kind of comments they have made in groups, do they like witty banter? Is there a thing they are curious about?

Sending a Message.

First contact, alright awesome. You’ve made a profile and you have read hers. In your honest estimation you have shared interest and a possibility at being compatible. And she is actively looking to make friends or find a partner. It is time to send that message. We aren’t all Hemmingway’s or Shakespeare. So just be honest, witty (if you can manage it) and non-sexual. What? really non-sexual? But, but, but this is a bdsm site, you just looked at pics of her boobs, you just saw a pic of her with a dick buried in her ass. But guess what SHE chose to be in those situations and you are not there yet.

Now I am not going to pretend that I am not thinking about sex all the time and I am going to assume that any woman by the age of 18 pretty much assumes that any guy that talks to her that is not her family (we hope) or gay, or serious about a committed relationship is not talking to her without some self serving interest. To put it more plain you are thinking about sex with her, and she probably automatically assumes that you are thinking about sex with her and that is all okay. But don’t say it, don’t hint at it, don’t beat around the bush, don’t use your amazing wit to slide in innuendo. It is the pink elephant in the room and we all know it is there.

Send her a message about her. Some interest she has, or comment on a pic that you that you like. Keep the message short, four of five lines max. Remember she gets a wheel barrow full of this shit every day. So short, about her, non-sexual. And maybe just maybe she will write you back.

Okay so you are good to this point right, she has written you back and thanked you for the comment on the stuffed antique penguin in her pic. She is ready to get freaky right? She is ready to hear all about how Domly you are and all of the things you will do to her dirty little slut ass. Nope. Not even close.

Next step… talk to her. Talk to her like you would any woman that you are face to face with and are exploring common interest.

Okay here is the real hurdle, if you can’t get past this step in real life, if you can’t talk to a woman like a person and keep the conversation engaging in real life then you are kinda screwed here. If that is you then get a bottle of lube (never, ever, never ever send an email) and go to or they both have great free porn, hundreds of thousands of clips. The even have lots and lots of bdsm porn there. Once you find a video you like put the lotion on your hand, your hand on your dick and go to town with your lube and your hand. (try to keep the lotion off the keyboard and mouse, they will work better without it gumming them up).

Critical next step. Let them be the one to bring up kink/sex/fetishes. If and when they are ready to talk about that stuff they will let you know. They will drop hints or flirt or usually just come out and say it. Hell you should even be surprised they brought it up to be honest. Once they do bring it up, remember the FEMALE chooses and she has not chosen you yet, she is thinking about it. So keep your douche bag hat in the closet and take the conversation at her speed.

When it is time to meet in person (assuming local). Insist on a public place, well lit and plenty of people. Put her at ease and you might even get past this first meeting.

So big NO’s

Don’t have a pic of your dick
Don’t copy pasta
Don’t tell anyone your fantasies or fetishes until THEY ask
Don’t talk about sex
Don’t be an ass hat/douche bag/dude bro/domly dom/alpha male etc.
Don’t expect to get laid online if you can’t get laid in real life.
Don’t assume they are into you until they tell you so.

*** Q and A:

Q. But I am a Dom and she is a sub, therefore she should immediately submit to me right?
A. No, she is submissive but not your submissive. If she gives you the gift of her submission you will know it.

Q. But I am a nice guy, really I am and she did not write back. Should I write her again?
A. I want to say no.. but lets be real, maybe she did delete you along with the 85 other messages she got in the four hours she was a sleep. My rule of thumb is twice. If after two introductory emails spread out at least two weeks apart she has not responded back then you are done. Move on.

Q. She says in her profile she is just looking for friends. Should d I message her and pretend to want to be just friends and then later try to get her to go to with me.
A. No, believe what she says. Take it at face value. It is the gospel and if she changes and wants you to know she will find a way to let you know.


The payoff is that you make a friend, maybe just maybe you get a sub and finally get to do all of those crazy kinky things you have read about . But a small word of caution here, it is still not like 50 shades of grey or those pent house letters. This is a real, breathing person that has needs and concerns and if you forget that she will decide to go elsewhere.

The Real Payoff:

Once you have learned to conduct yourself like an adult. Once you have played in the scene a while, met folks in real life and over time have shown that you are honest/sincere/respectful/knowledgeable/worthy etc and you have established that reputation you may just find that you are sought out by subs. How long does this take, 3 years, five years, fifteen years, (never for many). It may take a long time but if you are the good guy you claim to be you may find yourself in the situation that you constantly turn subs down asking for your time because you just don’t have it.

The real, real payoff:

You have learned that everyone is a person and is to be treated with respect until they have proven otherwise. You have learned that subs are not things, they are women. Women with lives, dreams, desires and the need to be treated as humans. You have learned the fact that just because you have a dick and you think you are a Dom that it does not give you the right to be a douchebag.

And remember. They have what you want, play nice, be real and sincere and they may just like you enough to give it to you. But if they don’t then it is okay, it is their choice.

I just logged in a few minutes ago, it has been up less than a day and I am surprised at all the comments and love for it. Thanks to all for the feed back.

To all who have asked or would like to know, you are more than welcome to put a link in your group, a sticky, or a link to your profile. I would like credit but other than that please post wherever it will do the most good. Thanks again

Original writing

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