At the LoftNC, we teach and talk a lot about consent. We strongly express that consent is a YES – only positive consent is consent. No is NO and Maybe is NO. This article further illustrates this teaching and I wanted to share parts of it here and a link to the entire article. Yes the article is written by someone who hosts home swing parties but the premise for consent is the same.
“As a host of group sex parties, here’s how I explain sexual consent”
EXCERPT from article that is also a huge issue in the bdsm world Read full article here – Link to Original Writing:
Everyone is asking the wrong question: “If the woman doesn’t remember that evening, how do we know whether or not she consented to sex?” We’ll never know the answer to that question, but the answer to that question doesn’t actually matter. What matters is that she lost the ability to revoke consent. Even if she’d previously granted consent, if she lost the ability to revoke that consent, from that moment on, there was no consent.
Consent is not something you give and lose. Consent is something that you remain in control of, with the ability to revoke, otherwise you cannot continue to give it.
• Only act on enthusiastic consent: “Yes!” not “Maybe…”
• Consent is binary. You have enthusiastic consent or you do not have consent
Enthusiastic consent is the most important concept in our community. Sometimes people say “sure” and they don’t really mean it. (Which is why we use this instead of “yes means yes.”) Unless you are certain that someone truly wants you to do that kinky thing to them, don’t do that kinky thing to them.
• You can revoke consent at any time if you change your mind
• Consent is always conditional on participant’s ability to revoke their consent
• Don’t be afraid to say “no” if that’s what you want to say
• Be respectful when saying “no;” be respectful when hearing “no”
Consent for one activity is not consent for another
• Even if someone said “yes!” last time, you must explicitly ask for their consent again before touching this time
• You must always ask before touching someone, and continue to ask if you are touching new parts of them