Yesterday on the way to one of the munches I lead, I got stuck in my driveway.
Yes it was probably not the smartest idea that I was driving my Prius with 4 nearly bald tires up a hill covered completely in a sheet of ice.
I made it part of the way up the hill when I slid. I was already later leaving for the munch than I wanted to be. When I found myself close to sideways in my driveway and halfway up the hill. The back of my car 3 feet from my neighbors porch and living room wall,. I called my parents panicked. My Dad tried to talk me through it but I was beyond doing it myself at that point.
So I waited 20 minutes scared to even move until I see him pull up in front of my house. I rolled down the windows while trying to calm myself down and in the tiniest little squeeky voice I managed “I’m stuck, save me” Then I cried. He told me to hop out and I ran into my neighbors yard a safe distance away. He tried to go forwards and the tires spun. But then he surprises me. He puts the car in reverse and backs it back down the hill and into the carport. Then he pulls back out again and with no hesitation he pulls it straight up the hill and safely out of the driveway.
I ran up to the car with the windows still rolled down. I asked him how he did that.
“You see baby, no matter how far you think you have gotten, you can’t be afraid to go backwards and start over from the bottom. That’s the only way, when you get stuck, that you will get the momentum you need to get through where you are having trouble.”
I thought about that all the way to the munch last night. The past couple weeks have been one bad day after another. Snowballing to the point where I felt I had no control over myself and everything I have gained was lost. Those of my friends who actually know whats going on have seen me cry more, and hold onto what progress I have made for dear life. I have been halfway up the hill holding on until my fingertips were bloody, scared to lose the distance I have gained. I have been unable to move forward. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of the future.
I had a conversation with a friend last week about the fact I was scared to lose the stability I had found. He told me stability was an illusion. I didn’t get it. I get it now. I thought I was stable sitting in the ice with my foot on the brake too scared of falling backwards to risk moving forward. I think I am stable living day to day, fearing commitment, fearing love and fearing the future. Making due with the comfortable and predictable.
We cannot be scared of falling (or sliding in this case) backwards and losing our perceived stability. Stability is an illusion. My friends, no matter the progress we think we might have made, we can’t be afraid to go backwards and start over from the bottom. That may be the only way that we will get the momentum needed to get through the places where we are struggling.