As I search in my soul trying to make sense of the journey I'm on, I come to the quandary that we all strive to be or have..... The Perfect Dominant. Anybody can yell and make rules, anybody can learn how to swing a whip. I don't want to be domineering. I want to guide and build up. But sometimes the foundation is unstable and not suitable to build on. Must I break someone down, destroy the foundation, in order to build them back properly? When I break someone down..... how do I ensure that I don't break their spirit as well? It's a tightrope line I walk. Breaking down in order to build.... but never letting it cross in to abuse. As we have discussed rules and punishments for them not being followed I find myself in constant punisher mode. The feel of the rope as the lays rub against each other tightening around her, the smell of the leather as the bull whip comes off the wall. I hear the cracker whiz by my head as it slings back forward to a resounding crack against her skin. The sadist in me smiles. The Dominant in me cracks. I want to love and build up but the foundation is too weak. I have come to the realization that I must first strengthen her. I need a solid foundation. A clean canvas to paint. But how do I strengthen her and not abuse her? How do I get my clean canvas without ripping apart the old one that originally drew me in? The whip cracks against her back hard again. Followed by another and another. She cries and ask why. Ask if it can stop. Tears flowing from her eyes and they start to build in mine. As I start to untie her she is visibly upset. She pulls away from me and ask when I'm going to get tired of her and to just leave. Tears flow and she gasp for breath sobbing saying just leave or beat her some more. I come to the realization that her breaking rules was so she could keep me at arms length. So she could have a reason to push me away. The fear inside of her acting as if an immovable force. Her past paralyzes her future. I pin her against the bed. Her hands above her head, me holding them down. My hand wrapped tightly around her throat as whisper in her ear. I'm not going anywhere little one. My love and devotion to you will never change. You don't have to stand strong on a crumbling foundation..... rest on me. I'm your rock. Let's strengthen yours.