Negotiation: Figuring Out What You Want and How to Get It
Please keep in mind that all of these books and articles were written by fallible human beings, each with their own background and biases. Do not take any one book, website, or article as being The Truth: read widely, think critically, experiment carefully, and make up your own mind about what works for you.
Some Classic Books That Everyone Recommends
- Easton, Dossie, and Janet W. Hardy. The New Bottoming Book. Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2003.
- Easton, Dossie, and Janet W. Hardy. The New Topping Book. Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2001.
- Miller, Phillip, and Molly Devon. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism. Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books, 1995.
- Warren, John, and Libby Warren. The Loving Dominant. Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 2008.
- Wiseman, Jay. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction. Eugene, OR: Greenery Press, 1998.
One Classic Book That I Don’t Recommend, and Why
- Brame, William, and Gloria Brame. Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission. Villard, 1996. I strongly disagree with this book’s assertion that all BDSM is “really” about dominance and submission.
A Few Sample Checklists
- BDSM Play Partner Check List
- Interactive Online Checklist: I have an issue with this one in that it starts by requiring you to select your “DS role,” even though someone might do SM without DS. That said, it’s comprehensive and allows you to mail your completed checklist to yourself or to someone else.
- Negotiation and Negotiation Forms by Jay Wiseman. Short essay plus checklist.
- Negotiation Questionnaire by Lady Scream. This one asks for background information, not just checkmarks on a list of activities.
- The Original D/s (BDSM) Checklist by Electric Switch of the West. This one provides a detailed list of activities, with columns for indicating experience with, enjoyment of, and willingness to try each one.
Not a checklist
- Not a checklist by Tornus. This isn't an activities list, but a series of questions about the bottom's underlying desires and needs.
Some Expansions on Win-Win Negotiating
- What Are Win-Win Forms of Negotiation?
- Win-Win Negotiation
- Win-Win Negotiation: Finding a fair compromise. Includes a worksheet.
Finally, Two Websites with Articles on BDSM-Specific Negotiation
- Leather and Roses has more than a dozen articles on different aspects of negotiation. Click on Enter, then on General BDSM / Sex, and then on Negotiation.
- Steel Door Scrolls, and scroll down the alphabetical list to “Negotiate.”