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Why I Don't Give Presentations

reposted with permission from Reign

 

Having been in the Austin kink scene for about 12 years now, I occasionally am asked why I don't do presentations. It's an unspoken rite of passage that, at some point, you will get up in front of your fellow perverts at one of the education-oriented groups and instruct them in some area of the BDSM arts (and, in the process, advertise your own skills to any cute, available kinksters in attendance). Well, in addition to being severely allergic to public speaking, I also don't know how I would go about instructing anyone on what I do best, which is verbal and psychological play. However, having seen the way some presenters have been treated, I also have some additional reasons, which I will attempt to illustrate in the following imagining of how things would go were I to give a presentation at one of the kink groups. Because I can't articulate my main skill set, I will use, for the purpose of this fictional scenario, one of my non-kink skill sets: my ability to properly load a dishwasher (a skill that has fascinated Siobhangra and my other past tenants).

The scene is my kitchen. Hordes of uneducated kinksters have gathered around me and my washing machine for this presentation; I am kind of surprised at how many people showed up.

ME: Welcome, everyone. Today I will be showing you all the proper way to load a dishwasher so as to maximize its effectiveness in getting your dishes clean.

PERSON IN BACK: Can you speak up?

ME: No. Please save any further questions until the end. Now, obviously, the first step in loading a dishwasher is to open its front door and make sure that...hold up. Enrique, why are you in my dishwasher?

ENRIQUE: ¡I am everywhere!

ME: Well, hop out, will you? I'm trying to do a thing here. Anyway, once you've made sure your washer is empty, you can start to load dirty dishes into it. Now, scrape the large food items off the dirty dishes before loading. In most cases, it's not necessary to pre-rinse your dishes but...sigh please put your hand down. I told you no questions till the end.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #1: What if you can't get the large food items off?

ME: Huh? How could you not scrape off the larger items?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #1: Well, suppose you just had a scene where you were giving your slave a challenge by supergluing her food to the plate, and now it won't come off?

ME: Uh...well, I guess I wouldn't advise that.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #1: You mean you would leave the superglued food on the plate?

ME: No! I mean I wouldn't advise using superglue on food for your slave.

CROWD: GASP

INTERRUPTING PERSON #1: He's judging me! HE'S JUDGING MY KINK!

ME: Well, yeah. Isn't that stuff toxic to ingest? I don't know. I'm not a superglue expert.

CROWD: GASP

RANDOM PERSON IN CROWD: He's unqualified to present! HE'S UNQUALIFIED TO PRESENT!

REVEREND LOVEJOY'S WIFE: WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN???

ME: All right, all right! Look, stay after the presentation and I'll refer you to a superglue expert I know. Because that's totally a real thing. Moving on, you want to arrange the plates so that the dirty sides are facing the center of the dishwasher and--

INTERRUPTING PERSON #2: I am amused--AMUSED, I say!--at your bastardization of an ancient and sacred Eastern practice.

ME: Um, what?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #2: Your foolish, ignorant Western minds don't even realize that the so-called "dishwasher loading" you practice today is based on the Japanese technique of Kascadkinbaku.

ME: Yeah...I'm pretty sure that's Not a Thing.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #2: Silence, round eye!

ME: "Round...?" Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you white, also?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #2: Mind your own business! For your education, I'll have you know that Kascadkinbaku--sometimes foolishly mispronounced by you Yankee dogs as "KasCADkinbaku"--was developed by Japanese soldiers who needed a quick and efficient way to arrange dirty dishes in their dishwashing machines on the battlefield. The technique is based on an even more ancient tradition, which is--

ME: STOP. Could someone please pull out their smartphone and Google "Kascadkinbake" to see if it's really--

ENRIQUE: ¡It's Not a Thing!

INTERRUPTING PERSON #2: CURSE YOU AND YOUR LYING WESTERN PROPAGANDA AND TECHNOLOGY!

ME: His smartphone was made in Japan.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #2: AAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

ME: Moving on...because the heating element is generally on the bottom of the dishwasher, you should put any plastic or otherwise meltable items on the top rack when--

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Excuse me! Excuse me, but before I pay anymore attention to this presentation, I need to know if you are Old Guard or New Guard.

ME: I'm not leather.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Nevertheless, as a member of the Old Guard, I want to make sure I am receiving proper instruction for both myself and my lovely slave here. I think it's important to--

ME: Hold up. You say you're Old Guard?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Why, yes. Yes I am.

ME: Well, that will teach me to make assumptions. I thought that because you were a man in his mid-40s holding the leash of a collared lady that you were just another heterosexual male Dom. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special treat. We have someone here from the very genesis of the BDSM scene with us, one of the gay leatherman who founded the leather lifestyle after returning from service in World War II!

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Uh...

ME: You must have so much to teach us. Start by telling us whose boy you were, please.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Huh?

ME: Well, since the Old Guard consisted of gay men who all started out serving a male leather Master, I was hoping you would tell us more about that experience. How did it feel to wear his collar? To lick his boots?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Uh... No, no...you misheard me. I didn't say I was "Old Guard." I said I was...uh..."Right Guard."

ME: [pause] Right guard.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Yes.

ME: You mean you have a fetish for spray-on underarm deodorant?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #3: Hey! MY KINK IS NOT YOUR KINK, BUT MY KINK IS OKAY!

ME: I'm not sure it is, but let's continue. Now, it's important that bowls and other concave items be facing downward so that they can drain. After all, you don't want--

INTERRUPTING PERSON #4: WHAT IF THERE'S A FIRE?

ME: Dear god.

INTERRUPTING PERSON #4: WHAT IF THERE'S A FIRE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO LOAD THE DISHES PROPERLY?

ME: sigh I don't know...maybe then you have more important things to worry about than the arrangement of your dishes in the dishwasher?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #4: I FIND THAT ANSWER UNSATISFACTORY. ALSO, WHAT IF THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE? WON'T YOUR DISHES GET MOVED OUT OF PLACE IN THE DISHWASHER?

ME: Not if you superglue them in place. Weren't you paying attention to the first questioner?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #4: I SEE. BUT WHAT IF--

ME: What if a large meteorite crashes through the roof and lands on your head, ending you and your infernal what-if scenarios once and for all?

INTERRUPTING PERSON #4: I FIND THAT VERY UNLIKELY.

ME: That's because you're forgetting that this is my scenario and my reality, and I can make anything I want happen here.

[Just then, a meteorite crashes through the ceiling killing the questioner.]

ME: Excellent. Let's wrap this up early. Any other questions?

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