Tonight we had the dubious honor of being seated close to a man visiting friends from Ohio. During the course of conversation he was quick to point out why he would trump his soon-to-be ex-wife in their divorce proceedings. The point where the conversation crossed from "listen to this pompous ass talk about how much more money he makes than she does" into "whoa, this fucker deserves to be taken to the cleaners in front of the judge" is the point where he outed his estranged wife as a kinkster. "She wanted to try some S&M Dungeon-type shit!" he declared, and his male and female companion gasped in le horror. "I made her go to counseling for three months for that."
Now, without getting into the parts about how he feels he is a superior parent for working 84 hours per week compared to his wife's 32 hours per week (which begs the question WHO IS THE REAL CARETAKER OF THEIR CHILD? and also calls into play the issues of the Mommy Tax*) or other reprehensible things he admitted to during his very loud, public discussion of his marital woes (such as forcing her into a separation and counseling when she asked for a divorce, and the fact that he has actively been monitoring her online communications with people of the opposite sex without her knowledge or consent), what I witnessed tonight was a grade-A slut shaming sexually repressed individual who felt that outing his partner was a suitable reaction to her honest and frank admission that she had some kinks that she wanted to explore.
I get that your kink is not my kink, and many a vanilla would never be able to handle even the most benign aspects of the lifestyle we all lead, but I also believe that it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of courage to be honest about who we are on a day to day basis. Assuming and subscribing to labels, introducing ourselves under the guise of those labels - that's some heavy stuff. It takes real guts to come forward and tell your partner "this is what makes me tick," especially when you run the risk of your partner a) dismissing your needs, b) ridiculing you for your needs, or even c) forcing you into counseling and convincing you that your needs make you a sick fucking fuck. I instantly felt for this woman. She was so brave to tell her husband what she wanted, and here he was demonizing her for having interests beyond the missionary position. I felt kind of sick.
I know we've all come across partners in our time who have made us feel less than accepted for our personal interests. I had an ex who I begged to do bondage with - after the first time we had sex with me in handcuffs he told me he never wanted to do that again. I was crestfallen. It was years before I found partners that would indulge my curiosity and allow me to explore alternative sexuality without shaming me in the process. I am fortunate to have a partner that doesn't slut shame me, and instead embraces my exploration and walks alongside me down the path of exploration, even if my interests and his interests do not necessarily always coincide. I hope that someday Debbie finds the same.
The final straw, for me, was the man's attitude that his earning power made him a "normal" parent compared to his "crazy" spouse who had ideas about how she wanted to live out her sex life. There are two prime reasons why women end up in poverty in old age - motherhood and divorce. *Women who reduce their work hours or stay home for a period of time to raise children often fail to reach the same financial and professional goals as women who do not have children - it's called the Mommy Tax. This poor woman is likely burdening herself with financial hardships in order to live a more honest life. I wish I could be a supportive friend for her through this transition.
I left quite angry at this man and frankly wanting to go up and give him a piece of my mind, but in the time since our presence stopped being graced with his, I have come to recognize a few things. Whoever this Debbie is, she's a divorce away from freedom from a man who clearly doesn't share her interests or respect her as a person. Their child, hopefully, will grow up with a mother who knows what she wants out of life and works to get those things instead of someone who is browbeaten by a spouse who would shame them for normal, human urges. And, with any luck, 2/3 of that family will turn out to be okay because they won't feel like they need to be ashamed of who they are or what makes them tick.
Debbie, girl, it's time to leave that shit-talking, privacy-invading man of yours and move on with your life. The world of kink is out there, and it's full of wonderful, normal, empowered people who just want to be happy, loved, and accepted for who they are, and who can offer you the same in return. I never knew how good I had it until I found this community and it embraced me. Debbie, wherever you are, I know the community will do the same for you.
Reposted with permission- original writing https://fetlife.com/users/1505205/posts/1836304
Thank you MlleFraulein